Self Portrait Tuesday: Hardest Button to Button

hardest button to button, originally uploaded by roxydynamite.

I missed last week's SPT. Secretly, I was pleased that I skirted doing the hard work this month's theme entails. I owe it to myself and the other SPTers who are putting it on the line to tell it like it is this week.

These are my skinny jeans. At size 12, they might not seem very skinny to some of you gals out there but they have become skinny to me. Lately, there's been alot of family stuff going and lately the jeans don't fit.
When I'm stressed I eat. Nothing in particular. Whatever is handy. I just eat and eat and eat and hope I'll eventually feel better. Right now, I feel like I'm full up to the top of my throat. And yet, I keep thinking about going out to the kitchen to have some of the salt and pepper chips with bacon horseradish dip that are out there waiting for me. Beckoning me. This morning I ate a glazed donut and I knew it was gross and bad and counter productive and I didn't give a shit. I put it my mouth and I swallowed it.
There have been times in my life that I know I've half purposely turned myself into the stay-puff-marshmallow lady. If you're softer, the hard things will just bounce off you, right? I know that's not true. Really, I do.
One argument I used to like to use was that I wanted to find a guy that appreciated me for my wit and smarts not my body. Except that the bigger, I got the more unlovable I felt. One time an ex-boyfriend told me he'd marry me if I'd just lost 25 lbs. We eventually broke up. I put on thirty. It took a year of Weight Watchers to lose it. Then I gained 22 lbs back. I got my act together and lost almost all of that 22 on my own. I bought these jeans as a treat to myself to celebrate the accomplishment.
Now look at me.

I will fit into those jeans again.

Tonight I will not eat those chips.

Treating myself like crap isn't going to make this situation any better. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

I've got to find a new way to cope.

More SPT's at the blog and the flickr group.